For most young children, having a best friend is very important. Luckily, the criteria for friendship could be as simple as having the same backpack, or knowing the kid next to you will trade his Gushers for your Fruit by the Foot (sucker). But as you grow older, the superficial strings that held your ultimate BFF relationship begins to unravel, and before you know it, it's 2004, you're 19, and posting cryptic Brand New "70 x 7" lyrics on Livejournal.
As you grow older, it can sometimes be hard to establish strong bonds with other people your age. The friends you had true common ground with begin to falter away into adulthood, and your main method of communication becomes via Facebook. As you establish new social circles, you begin to find that most of your friends are based solely on convenience; either you work together, you have 3 classes together and have agreed that she'll ditch every other Thursday and you'll ditch every other Tuesday and then you'll trade notes, or you both really like tequila and find yourselves running into each other every Friday night at your neighborhood liquor store.
Of course, once you begin to realize you work with complete psychopaths, the semester ends, and the hangover clears up, you find yourself alone and sullen again, accepting your life of cat hoarding and basement dwelling.
As a result, to cut out the extra work and potential disappointment, I have come up with a few scenario questions to present to any future acquaintances to instantly determine whether we are really meant to be or if our friendship will strictly be based on being occasionally recommended on each others' "Who to Follow" list.
1.) You go on a date with a wealthy, good looking, well educated, and sincerely nice stranger that a mutual friend set you up with. You find yourself having a genuinely good time and enjoy getting to know each other. At the end of the date, in your state of euphoria, you make an obscure, season 4-ish Simpsons reference. Your date's shoulders suddenly stiffen, and belligerently proclaims that any episode of that stupid show that came before season 16 is unfunny, uncreative, and historically irrelevant trash. Despite this setback, the stranger asks you out again. Do you accept the second date?
2.) You have suddenly found yourself in constant pain that profoundly affects your quality of life, and over the counter medicine isn't alleviating your symptoms. Knowing your highly addictive personality and family history of drug abuse, you are reluctant to try the stronger, prescription only medication that can quickly turn habit forming. You go to your doctor and inquire about any other alternative medicines to sooth your chronic pain. You try all of her suggestions, including herbal remedies, Eastern medicine, therapy, etc., but none of them work. Finally, she mentions that studies have shown that putting Train's "Hey Soul Sister" and Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" at full volume have been clinically proven to eradicate all of your symptoms for 30 minutes, and then you must listen to them again or continue to suffer in pain. To your dismay, this unorthodoxed method actually works. Do you use it?
3.) You are trapped in a room with absolutely nothing in it other than a small television. Sleep is impossible, and no one will be able to help you out for at least a day. The only option you have on the television is to watch paid programming for the Magic Bullet, which you've already seen five times, or geriatric aerobics demonstrations, which you've never seen. Which do you watch?
4.) Why?
5.) You are given the opportunity to travel back in time and immediately take up the offer. However, while in time travel, you accidentally kill a fly, and you are told that this action will severely affect an aspect of the modern world. The scientist has empathy for your situation, and allows you to determine what the consequences for this dead insect will be: In one scenario, Nickelback or any similar sounding music will not exist, the Kardashian family will be exiled to a small foreign island in 1989 and are never heard from again, and both Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson are found guilty of murder. The second scenario is that Paul Rudd will never be born. Which do you choose?
6.) A brilliant architect offers to build you a mansion pro bono with no limits to its size, structure, logic, or amenities. In fact, you are encouraged to ask for outrageous and normally impossible to accommodate demands, such as a room full of roller coasters, a 9 screen movie theater complex, a concert venue, the library from Beauty and the Beast, a meadow, the Las Vegas Strip, etc. The laws of gravity, physics, size, etc. will not apply in your new home, as you see fit. You will never have to pay a single bill and you will be supplied with hired help to clean, modify, repair, etc.. The only catch is that if you live here, you will never be able to go on the internet of any kind (including on cell phones and other devices) inside OR outside of the mansion again and your mansion's interpretations of the rules of logic will not help you get out of this compromise. Do you accept this offer?
7.) Much like the famous Kafka story, one day you awaken to find yourself transformed into an insect-like creature. Your roommate is absolutely terrified of all bugs and immediately kills them mercilessly upon discovery. It is inevitable that if she finds you, you will die an excruciating and painful death. However, you have the ability to communicate with her. You are not allowed to state your true identity, that you are actually a human, or the circumstances surrounding your metamorphosis. In fact, these statements would be deemed useless anyway because your roommate is only persuaded by speeches and logic that are chock full of obscure RL Stine Fear Street references. You are given exactly one minute to move your roommate into granting you mercy before she kills you. What do you say in your speech?
8.) Long before the bitter contract disputes and subsequent faltering of the Gilmore Girls series, creator Amy Sherman-Palladino claimed she already knew what she wanted to the last scene to be and already had the final four words of the finale in mind very early on in the series' inception. Of course, fans never got to see her ultimate envision and it has since become a fandom mystery. What are the last four words?
9.) Your absolute favorite band/artist in history (dead or alive) are at your disposal for 24 hours. You can request any and every song, hear any unfiltered story with complete truth, get private musical lessons, do as many wacky activities as you want, and even partake in consensual sexual activity, if you wish. However, once these 24 hours are up, you are never allowed to speak of what happens during this time, and they will never acknowledge you again. In fact, you will never be allowed to go to another concert (for any artist) for the rest of your life. If you decide not to do this and want to continue going to shows and freely speak of your adventures, it is inevitable that you will never be more than a face in the crowd and will never establish any sort of special memories with any artist or become part of an interesting anecdote at the shows you attend. Which would you prefer?
10.) You are offered your absolute dream job with a salary and benefits that will guarantee you and your family's comfort for life. It also grants you unlimited access to any and all of the perks of your dream job industry. However, your boss is Lady Gaga and the only way you can keep this position is if you make her a.) happy b.) the Western Baptist Church members' favorite artist of all time c.) relevant and viewed universally beloved by the public and critics alike for the next thirty years and d.) allow her to dress you every day with no exception. Otherwise, you will continue working in a medial job below your level with horrible supervisors, shady employees, undesirable tasks, and little opportunity for advancement. The job market is incredibly poor and will remain that way for many years. The chances of you breaking into something better (or something you actually want) isn't looking too good and while it's not impossible with your current job salary, you are having a hard time making ends meet. Do you accept the new dream job offer?
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