Hollywood is a bitch goddess

I grew up in an uncomfortably small town (also, to all of you who live in suburbs with a population of 100,000 and complain about how you live in such a tiny community and how repressed you are, fuck you. A population of 2,000 is small. 100,000 is not. 9,000 is still pretty small though. You guys can maintain complaint rights) where there was literally nothing to do other than play soccer and watch the Simpsons on syndication (I lived so far deep into the orange groves we couldn't even get cable or high speed internet. It was a sad, sad childhood). In most cases, living in a dilapidated town with an incredibly underfunded public school system meant a lack of music education. Surprisingly, it was quite the opposite. In fact, by seventh grade, being in some sort of music program was mandatory. If you weren't in band, you were stuck in choir by default (suckers). And because our house was in the middle of nowhere, I was able to practice my flautist skills without neighbors yelling and children crying tears of blood (instead, it was just my parents yelling and my brother crying tears of blood).

This musical requirement paved the way for us to prepare and audition for a high school band and fulfill our geeky destinies. Our high school was a town over with a more respectable population (still way too small for my likings, however). Most who have not grown up in this community often thinks I'm simply trying to make myself feel better about my life when I say that being in band was considered cool, but for some reason, the surrounding community really liked their bands. A lot.

This was especially noted the year that my high school's band was chosen to lead the Hollywood Christmas Parade. It was a nationally televised event that officially kicked off the holiday programming season. Our band had been a part of this tradition many times, but it was the first time that we had been asked to lead in decades. And on top of that, we'd also be performing at and causing havoc in Disneyland. Fuck yes!

Once word traveled on this good news, local media immediately began to milk it as obnoxiously as it could. It wasn't just good press for our high school, it was great press for our entire community. Even outside, larger news publications began reporting on it. This obviously put an enormous amount of pressure on us. Not only did we have the parade to focus on, but we also were in the middle of perfecting our half time show that was prominently featured in every home game, as well as the highly popular Band-a-Rama (like I said, we were a band town). Additionally, the parade route was over 2 miles long, so it was hard to properly prepare for the length we'd be marching, even with our daily rehearsals and Tuesday and Thursday night practices.

However, as we got closer and close to the end of November, the buzz and excitement continually grew. We were asked to play the beginning of "Hurray for Hollywood" prior to our Christmas-themed march, and we'd be taking off on a red carpet in front of the Chinese Mann Theater before bringing cheer down the Hollywood and Sunset Boulevards. Additionally, the coordinator for the parade informed us that we'd be getting 3-4 minutes of television time, over twice the length of all the other bands. Our already on edge band conductor began barking orders on line formation and proper uniform attire. I don't think he slept the entire month of November. Consequently, I had nightmares about bobbing my head in the middle of the parade and chipping my clarinet reed (I hadn't played the clarinet in 6 years).

Finally, the big weekend came and my friends and I excitedly (and tiredly) squeezed into the charter busses en route to Los Angeles. Before we knew it, we were impatiently waiting on the red carpet listening for our cue to start, shaking from the cold winds and buzzing with nervous energy. Once we began, it became a blur of bright lights, rapid cheering, and intrusive cameras in our faces. I always had a difficult time properly marching (I think I put too much weight on my shins, so I'd end up with leg cramps half way through), but that night was perfectly. I felt like I was floating down the streets, and when we finally reached the end of the route, I felt a strange sort of accomplishment.

After huddling back into our buses, we headed back to our hotel. Because of the west coast delay, we were actually able to watch the parade "live" in the lobby. Alex Trebec and Nancy O'Dell were the hosts, and introduced us as we kicked off the parade. As we played "Hurray for Hollywood," there were some night shots from different angles. We tried to spot each other and hi5'd when we did.



(We all know my drawings are shitty. Dealwithit.gif, etc).

At first we felt fucking awesome.




And then about 20 seconds in, something strange happened.







We went through many emotions.














































(None of the aforementioned names were there that night, but I think they should have been).

And that is why I hate Nancy O'Dell.

Editor's note: Upon checking references, I have come to realize that I actually hate Nancy O'Dell for the atrocity that was the Grammys challenge of season 2 of "Project Runway," NOT the parade. I apologize for the inconvenience.